Late 2DayParty
Nothing naughty..
Hard to be early when you’re hardly welcome. In Joy
In the game of playing high stakes, elbows fly left to right with kicks coming for your crotch. That’s the nature of it. Not everyone is playing fair and for me, I can feel late to it. Why?
For one; I’ve had a strong mind for practically a decade+ now. A mind that was looking for ways to emerge in business. A mind that thought fiercely on this line of reason. Practiced concepts that failed and felt embarrassment, whether external or internal, it all feels the same inside. It’s one of those things that can create delays.
I’ve never been the best bouncer, courts outside Tennis were hardly an option. Yet, when seeking capitalizing opportunities - I had no skills to chase and fewer guidance. Often parlaying my days into wasting time ignorantly with friends that are now silent.
My delay is simple.
That does not take away from it being a delay, at all.
It was simply not irrational to think this way, for me.
Early in my teens, and my first relationship . . I thought like any naive boy like me wants - a forever partnership. When home doesn’t show you that, you seek stability.
We dated for nearly 2 years, if I’m unmistaken. I had started playing tennis recently and was at practice when I left, getting home to some messages. We spoke later that night and she admitted to cheating on me with some jock a year older. One that had essentially faked being a friend to me and for another reason, spited me or chased a 🥜
We were both devastated as a result of this incident and it took time for our ties after to actually end. This isn’t to reminisce on any memories or mention specifics beyond the lesson learned.
You can’t trust ‘friends’ and you can’t trust women.
Both of these I have faulted over since my first lesson. I couldn’t figure it out for over a decade after this incident. Instead, clinging to relationships without alignment.
It wasn’t till I moved a 2nd time to get away that I realized what was hiding. My own insecurities had been masked and buried.
I wasn’t ME
I was a version of me conditioned by my pain. A version untrue.
Once I finally was free of all people that were influencing me, another appeared . . Masking itself as someone needing my help when they were only hurting me.
To avoid dragging that out, we’ll jump to what made this profound.
Profanity
I slowly stopped giving a fuck. About anything. It was nice. Unrewarding but relaxing.
I really was acting like every fucking loser, except, it slowly got me past things.
The benefit was being with family and being able to live conservatively. Which in turn, developed into a lot of fasting. A lot of meditation. New practices in general.
Being introduced to people who were grounded and confident slowly pulled me out of my shell. The conscious and unconscious abusers of my personality were revealing themselves. The next aspect was working through identifying and eliminating relationships over time. Thanks to my spouse, things were automatically accelerating.
One Truth
Personally, there has been one thing I’ve wanted since I was young.
A partner I could go through everything with, If I become someone.
I don’t expect you to understand, as you shouldn’t anticipate this explanation. 😉
From within, there was always a high pursuit / purpose.
It was my job to find that for me.
It wasn’t given to me with clear apparent nature.
It was a hunger that I wanted to feed.
Over the years, I tested things but there was one truth beyond my internal craving.
It brings us back to wanting that person. I decided around that time that I would be single for 7 years. Abstinent. It was a complex way of thinking but even now, I hardly realize how many women have wanted an approach from me and have never gotten it.
I’ve always been stuck here, now, figuring life out for my cells. The most important.
I wasn’t seeking anything with the relationship I founded, that is now approaching 3 years in 1 week. It was simply aligned with what I needed and I couldn’t be more blessed.
It pulled me away from getting sucked into more mishaps and going 100% risk with no leverage on whatever I was doing.
It was that anchor that kept the boat attached when everything else was a challenge.
Not to say that this boat hasn’t fought tough seas, both within the captain and co-captain dynamic and that externally, it’s easier to sleep knowing that I’m not in this alone. That’s how I am designed. I cannot be tribe-less or without spouse. If I’m missing one of either, then I start moving poorly and force quit my application then.
As I had learned early in high school…
I’ll wrap up with this:
If you have a hunger you can’t feed, find out what it is. It’s not whatever you are doing now if it gives you the feeling to quit. In joy your weak end and remember to never rage/force quit from your cells. Maintain your obligations with high integrity, especially the highest integrity - love. Muah 🤤🇺🇸