Mom and Me
My autobiography will reveal a lot.....
Luckily, we’re past the statue of limitations on what can harm my family.
As a kid, I was always an artist. I spent much of my time writing poems in high school while running my business. The lessons I learned in that time only made me a better artist over the past decade of life I’ve gone thru.
When I was 17, I was arrested. The charges were my first. I had some illegal drugs, paraphernalia, and received two felonies. Burglary and Assaulting an officer. I broke into a house under my drug induced trance, I was drawn to it as it was one I wanted to live in. Having some of the most interesting concepts of thought that I couldn’t even begin to explain without more people believing that I’m insane;
For some reason, I was released from juvy the next day while I was still completely fucked up in the head. The evening I was released, I left the house with a grinder of weed planning to go to my friend’s apartment, instead I went back to the same home I was drawn to. Immediately after entering their back gate, I was met with flood lights and a shotgun from the balcony, with demands to get on the ground and don’t move or I’m getting blown away. Obviously, I’m typing this message which is a sign that I put my hands behind my head and did not move an inch.
After I was arrested this time, my mother knew more was amidst. I had been hiding my drug dealing business from her. That evening, she flushed everything in my room. The pills I was holding for a friend (the same ones that altered my reality) and the ounces of marijuana that I had recently purchased. Juvy took me to a behavioral health facility where I was under constant observation and my ill mind was performing acts that were absurd yet upon learning my true nature in 2020, they were aligned.
Now that I’m dealing with another charge in my life, I’ve been able to rekindle the relationship with my mom that has been stressful over my young adult life. The same boyfriend that is my sisters father, and helped her flush all the drugs, continued to be the same pile of shit even after my arrest. His obsessions outside cutting meat included smoking weed, NFL football, and playing online Madden with whichever friend he could coerce into coming to drink some beers that evening. If no one was there, it was often him and I playing while we would smoke weed. Prior to my probation/arrest, he was well aware of my drug dealing and loved everything I would supply him and his friends. We would all smoke together and get high as shit. I introduced them to dabs and they were all on the moon when I brought that into the shed. I believe these are the same truths that shattered my moms foundation with him to begin with.
As she started to resent him, she did what she had done in the relationship prior with my other sisters father. She goes to test the market in the bars that aren’t fit for anyones daughter. It wasn’t long before she lured a snake into our lives and his presence alone ruined everything she built for us.
Within 90 days, we went from good ol’ asshole video game pothead to full blown heroin addicted, divorced with kids dipshit. I caught him shooting up in my moms car multiple times and each time I would sit with him to try to understand why. He always apologized, like it wasn’t going to later effect our lives. At my young age of 18, I couldn’t really say to stop that shit or I’m going ballistic. He was much stronger than me visibly and there was no way we were going to get into it without me ending up seriously injured. I also wasn’t going to beat up a zombie on the coach in front of my mom, though looking back I probably should’ve…..
Instead, I spent the summer with friends and found myself at the country club I didn’t belong in often. I spent two weeks straight there at one point, living like a young prince. I learned a lot about the demeanor of those that own/make hundreds of millions. What I didn’t anticipate was my arrival back home to reveal the absence of anything with intrinsic value. My mother allowed him to have guests over and with the addict, they stole everything. A vehicle, my first Macbook with my whole clothing company worth of designs, my watches, my playstation 4, essentially everything I owned besides my closet since they were too dumb to know what Supreme and Palace are worth. Since then, I haven’t really been as into clothes as I once was. Sure, I have a few Bape pieces and plenty of Vintage attire to make a young man Drool. Even True Religions that I’ve more recently gotten into. It took me a very long time to even feel like I was worth anything. It took my years in real estate to realize that I deserve something in life beyond what was previously circumstantial.
Talks With Mom
Over this last month, we’ve grown to remember each other like mother and son. I’ve neglected to communicate with her consistently due to the past which is now done.
I had a lot of unresolved trauma and it took me till 4 years after those events to finally release a lot of it on my own in California thanks to the healers I met. Through all the tears I shed seeking my own forgiveness for actions outside of my control, and those within it, I found that my ability to help the greater collective of humanity was a purpose I had within my hold. This is when I started practicing Alchemy. The truest form. Assisting in meditations and practicing energy removals that would better align the paradigms of reality with it’s new frequency. Unfortunately, I had parasitic individuals in my hometown focused on grounding false realities that grabbed a foot hold. They were unaware of what the importance of this location once meant…..
I can rant a lot so I’ll return to the talks with my mom. I had a phone call with her in 2017 that rocked my world. I had told her I was back in our hometown and she immediately began berating me. Saying I should’ve known she was homeless and sleeping on benches, basically I got off a call that I thought would’ve gone well to shedding tears that whole night realizing that my life is still hell.
No matter how many times I went to that country club, there was always the reality of my life that was waiting for me on the other side of the fence. I had had my heartbroken so many times in my life, even before then. I trusted the wrong people and before I knew it, more recently, I had made enemies out of my friends. They were always supportive of me, knowing what I come from - they simply chose themselves over time and for that, I grew to resent them. I mended some bridges while burning others to dust for actions that proved to me they were never someone to trust. People have told me I was Manic or that I’m mentally ill and no one chose to sit down with me in my hardest moments to figure out what willed my behavior. After 2020, I knew my emotions dictated my reality. It gave me the ammunition I needed to shift from being a gullible, naive kid into owning my Authority. With all the events of my life, and even before them, I was this quiet observational kid. I was always extremely patient and attentive to listening. Marijuana didn’t exactly help me be the best at a lot, it activated some creative abilities sure but sobriety has always taught me more.
Having quit Marijuana once again, I’m reminded of my dark past. The parts of me I keep hidden. I’m reminded that my nicotine addiction began a decade ago when I was forced to quit smoking weed due to random urine analysis which led me towards Mushrooms, LSD, and Molly. I failed a drug test for Molly and had my probation extended but that’s more for my book.
I don’t want to write longer form than I have, I simply wanted to share some details of my past. My mothers love has always been present for me. From buying me a longboard I still keep to keeping clothes on my back so I didn’t look like we were in poverty while I rode the bus daily to high school even throughout my senior year, including the last day of school.
There were a lot of things I was ashamed of and the biggest was all the weight gain I experienced as a senior from the prescription medication I was forced to take. This medication made me depressed, it took the pigment from my skin, and made me into a zombie for over a year. After I was finally off those drugs, I felt like myself again. Unfortunately, I was also mixed up with the wrong people who were willing to introduce me back into marijuana and other elicit substance. These realities also led me to learning more about the bodies functions than most doctors could admit.
My mom has always been there, never to judge me. At the end of the day, most of my behavior comes from her. Her ability to flip a switch and flip a table on everyone is one trait that is both a blessing and a curse. She’s one of the most observational people I’ve ever met. She is so aware that it’s scary sometimes. She’s been a grounding force for me this past month and it’s a reminder that I should cherish her time here rather than be the stranger I have been for the past 7 years. I’m grateful for her letting me become an adult on my own accord and never interfering with my life knowing that I’ve always wanted more. She supported me starting my own companies before I was 18 and saw that I had dreams that didn’t align with the ones she wanted for me. She wanted me to become an Actor and sure, I still can be if I desired, truthfully; I prefer anonymity and being a writer. She saw my love for music since I was 5, buying me a drumset as a kid and buying me a guitar before I was 9. I dropped the guitar pretty fast since I always liked beating on drums and an electric guitar wasn’t really for me in our small home. More than anything this summer; I’ve stepped into being a vocalist which has been my dream for longer than I could admit. I would sing every song in the car since I was a young kid. Akon, System of a Down, Metallica - you name any real hits over the past 20 years and I can likely sing a good bit of them. Being an Artist means you always have the ability to shift, pivot, change your skin. Only after you’ve realized you’ve been one your whole life do you begin to see the winds that will push your sails to prosperity. Mastery in anything takes a long time and I’m so focused on one thing at a time that I can feel like I’ve mastered something before realizing that I’ve mastered it already through my awareness of everything combined.
Thank you, Mom, for always supporting me no matter my mistakes and forgiving me every time I fuck up. You take my side over everything and you’ve seen me in heartbreak, the same way you’ve dealt with it in your own ways. I saw how you dealt with 2 different men, both situations you handled so differently, in your own sort of zen. You knew we were watching and you had to find your peace, I forgive you for letting us lose everything so many times that when it happens to me, I’m okay with whatever happens because I know I’m only in control of one thing - how I respond.
I may be like every other human that gets pushed to a point where they seem absurd in their behavior, I enjoy the opportunities to reflect on the pieces at the table. I often have a tendency to flip the chess board on everybody, which is why I have to remind them/mycellpH that we all have our levels of Toxicity.
I hope one day I can find the love we never had in our home. I’ve already vowed to myself in silence that I’m giving up on my past if it means I can’t create all the magic that I’ve kept sitting in my hat. It’s honestly the deepest pain I’ve ever felt in my life, knowing that I’m giving up completely if things don’t land right. I gave myself one last chance to see if I deserve the love we never had and I proved to myself that no one deserves to deal with me if I can’t learn to love every part of my past, even then, I don’t want to give up myself to anyone but my last.
Sincerely, Drool