Trauma Trauma Trauma

All At Once...

I intend to write an autobiography about my life, I’ve also been asked to write a book for someone else about theirs… It’s been an interesting July and to summarize, I can’t lie. Today I’m in bed, like I was yesterday. I spent roughly 16 hours in my room, between venting and crying and spilling my soul on the mic - I couldn’t even write, only freestyle.

The life of an Artist is peculiar. I know why it’s so easy to slice an ear off, Van Gogh. At least in today’s day in age, it’s easier to go from unknown to popularized and live to die knowing you’ll do so in some version of the light.

Without ruining my autobiography, I’ll be brief. I’ve been on the receiving end of having my heart shattered and I’ve been the one to step on them. Each are equally as painful. From having my heart torn in half 3 times before the age of 15, to having my heart torn out and killed 5 more times from then; I might as well be a has been by 27.

I could say that as truth and never come out of my room again. I could accept the lies in the booth that I’m okay when I freestyle - even then, I need nicotine to simply envoke the energy I need to conceal the emotions I feel.

Today I write this from the bed, the only place I want to be. The sun is out and it would be smarter to go to the beach. I’m not sure I can even crawl there successfully.

As my earlier blogs implied, I’m both working and dying inside. With an unknowingness of how to feel, I’m sprinting towards a demise that I don’t see as real. I have an awareness to existence that most simply cannot believe. They haven’t seen it with their own eyes and for that, I may need to leave. I once said Costa Rica and another time India, truthfully I want to stay where I’m at if it means the end with you.

What we don’t realize together is that I can get us out of here in a moments notice, no matter what life we choose to spend together. Is it worth it to abandon all my friends to choose those that are moving in the direction of where I wish to go more than where they wish to? Is it worth abandoning even you to go back to the pursuits I had before we met? You came to me as someone to care for and I catered to you. You are someone always willing to grow then you stopped the direction we founded our love on. You gave up on the things you arrived with. From Day 1 I saw you as a beacon of hope, a being that had pure bliss in her heart. One that was ready for the right love till I learned you had recently been torn apart. Had I known that from you directly, I would have likely given you another fresh start. You spent our relationship concealing from me and each time I found out, I gave you a new version of my heart. I’m not sure what to feel this time, as I’m back where we first spent nights in the dark. Where I nursed you to health and felt your warm heart.

There’s more reasons to stay in this bed than to leave, for one I moved it back to where it was when you arrived to breathe with me. Even the posture of the room is orientated in a way that is familiar, yet different. Without our love it feels empty and distant. I hardly know what to expect three weeks from today or even seven, all I know is that by week 11 I’ll be making plans to leave this again.

I don’t mind work, I love it to be true and I know there is one thing that we can always do. We can load up everything and find a new place, bask in the sun together instead of being ridden with waste. I can show you more and ignore my desires for life, I can give everyone what they want and through my own accord, from where I decide.

The life of an artist can be shallow and hollow, or it can be filled with love by one person that brings all they need to be able to even swallow. For me, water hardly even taste that good. Nothing feels right to consume, I can only create…

For now, it’s another day of salt in my eyes while I have no desire to go outside. Maybe in a few hours I can decide, until then…I hope to simply Drool on this pillow.