Volatility
Tough reality
Today is going to be a dark blog. One that I’m writing after positivity. It’s one that honestly hurts to even reflect on but I feel it’s best I share the past in honesty with you
To begin, last January was extremely difficult for me. I was making no money and working 60 hours+ a week and that’s hardly the start too..
This is why I hate bosses lately, and turn down nearly every opportunity for employment offered to me via my social engagement
If you want to work then I have companies and everything is B2B, contractually.
I want to build equity. That is my sole desire in pursuit. Now back to;
In addition to my work flow, I was sleeping less than 6 hours a night and battling anxiety. Snapping out of bed suddenly to schedule emails, etc. A lot went on in Q4 22’
Attempting to use this blog as an outlet Q1 23’ and a now retired twitter account to cure things. I created a lot of headwind immediately, whether it’s the branding or the energy, I was getting a ton of attention from the main figure heads on ReTwit..
nonetheless;
This took a toll on my relationship with my wife to be. To the point where we weren’t going to make it past February. Communication is still one of our hardest qualities to achieve, but patience is more than anything in the road to prosperity, while we’re forever developing.
I had quit nicotine months prior, yet still partook in medicine that yielded no benefit but to fend off anxiety. I crutched myself to Wim Hof Breathing, before every scheduled meeting, as that was the only thing that was calming me down enough to discuss 8 and 9 figure deals we were brokering (so much so my lungs were hurting).
All this in a down market where nothing was penciling but everybody wanted to continue to deploy their investor capital to survive / build equity. Me, lacking the experience in CRE, but having a strong track record in residential private lending, had no doubt that I could figure out almost everything, as I had under those funds before.
The novice approach has often bit me - I prefer that then not sticking my ass out at all.
The issue then was everything but for a few bright lights.
In late 2022 I had great meetings via Zoom, one turned out poorly - as the demand requested from me was one I should’ve never agreed. The second was a simple conversation with Joel Mazur where we talked for roughly an hour, on a mobile home park deal, apartments he participated in near me, and discussing the cold call need he was fielding me for, which was best that that amounted to nothing, as he knew from experience what a grind it is to be CRE Debt Brokering.
Being desperate for cash was a horrible feeling, especially with a ~$500M pipeline that was causing me anxiety.
These calls came as a result of me putting my neck on the line and as you’ll see, the guillotine found its way to align. I was participating in the RE God community to get a grasp on learning curves as fast as I could on the high speed track I was on.
It took till May for me to get out of my underpaid, overworked position. That’s why I hold on so tightly to not letting anybody take advantage of me like so many have. I had to leave the industry to put a shovel in my hand for $25/hr to right all my wrongs.
In addition to my inability to let go of poor habits and stretching my lungs to seek balance, I had one thing that was compounding for me on the internet. Perceived hate.
It’s one thing being 25 and trying to run a massive pipeline with a 2 man team, working with an owner who meets you once a day via zoom - then leaves the rest of the weight of his business seemingly completely on you - no other outreach from him throughout the day..
It’s another thing when he recommends you build a brand for yourself to have outlets, and being a twitter anon as Drool seemed cool. A nickname I gained from a friend that is no longer true but I leveraged that name in hopes of a solace remedy appearing.
Volatility - Depressive Demise.
Now I feel comfortable enough to admit things to you, the audience that finds value in the depth of what I can share with you. That’s why I’m even going this direction today, instead of another Positive route that hypes you up to hoop like Kobe too.. Now I can say things like “If I can’t be like Mike then trade me” and mean it too.
1st Catch 22:
The reality of this situation cut much deeper than the other few, as it was the spark of my skepticism in almost everyone else too. In CJ breaching my trust in client confidentiality, I had an anxiety attack. Not one like I’ve felt before, this was more controlled as I had enough appointments through that week that forced me to keep hold. I was wim hoffing my way through everything already, and now, I was battling the ideas that my clients personal confidential information was now breached by someone I verified had worked with a lender that seemed to fit the deal box on a deal that needed immediate attention due to us firing our 3rd employee and going to a 2-man roster + his neglect with these clients.
I didn’t want my boss to find out so I attempted to get things under control as soon as I could but when the whole firm is seeming to protect a man who is causing you distress, it’s difficult to not start firing shots like a buffoon. So that’s what I did, unfortunately, I could not contain that within this 1-1 situation as much as I’d like to.
2nd Catch 22:
it’s just ironic it’s on my new account too.
I was simply being a monkey in the arena and that’s what my 25 year old self was looking to do. I saw the opportunity with everyone complaining about the market and various shit 24/7 to come in and try to bring the energy up instead of being another account stressing about stupid shit too.
Having fun and acting reckless, little did I know all the spankings I was pretending were going to end up swinging back into pushing me off cliffs that I guess I was standing on…
3rd Catch 22:
Truthfully, at this point, I was done. Once I got blocked by the guru of fun, the depression of my situation started to kick in. Everything started to suck. I was in a hamster wheel of making no money and slaving for a business that wouldn’t even hourly fund me to admin the corp that was making me go fucking dummy.
The whole situation of me agreeing to admin that place is one of the biggest blessings but also one of my biggest heartaches. It made me hate trying to be social, when I was already trapped in my lawyers house (my RE/CRE legal & dear friend who we rented from then).
Between my troubles in business and my lack of satisfaction with everything that was unwinding, I was forced against my own wall.
With sleep deprivation and nothing but dreams of taking this thing as far as I could swing it, I was seeing my own GF and friend begin to get worried and have convos behind doors that I was not involved, trying to figure out my resolve without my participation..
This went south so much so that they were going to try and place me in a crisis center.
If you know what that’s about then you don’t want to be there. At least not someone like me, who has held holistic perspectives since 19 years old. I’ve already dealt with that kind of shit and it does nothing but drag you into hell. So off I went. Walking.
I abandoned the house the day they were going to take me for help, marching roughly six miles with my backpack and change of clothes.
I knew that I wasn’t okay but going as far as saying I needed to be in a crisis center was not okay with me. It was feeling like going backward a thousand steps if I went with another revisit of places I had already dealt with, over again.
This was my only choice in my head, and it was supported by a friend - the mother of the same friend who I mentioned I had gained the Drool nickname from / split ways with.
After arriving to my destination, I smoked a cigarette. My first nicotine in 5 months. The catalyst for my reintroduction into addiction to Tobacco, Zyns, nicotine in general..
I spent my time, roughly a month, at a house I worked so hard to move out of. A house with a mother and father figure with three dogs, one that I continued to walk out of - to coffee shops near by to work in an environment that felt better than a guest room.
I was still spiraling downward this whole time, which brings me to my last and most regrettable catch 22…
4th Catch 22:
In the midst of my haywire state, and dealing with getting blocked by the jamba juice pop tart, I went into Sean’s DMs. Originally I had a more kindred approach, as my aspirations to help develop my city were at the forefront of my mind with all the potential commissions I would have to grope - another contributing factor to the madness I was dealing with that no one around me could comprehend or ground me from.
Knowing that the only way I’d be able to be successful long term was by placing capital into various parcels in my market and qualifying as a real estate professional, based on the projections of commissions I would make if I could tie down even 10% of the leads we had.
It was my only option. Development was the only logical outlet to begin working on multi-year projects in nearby opportunity zones, with the information I was filtering via Barrett Linburg, another gentleman, in addition to Joel, that came from roots of Debt Brokerage - it became clear that this was the way to make it where I wanted to go
I was grateful to meet Joel and have a small DM engagement with Barrett, but with Sean, I was originally hoping for guidance but I let my personal perspectives and spiritual dark night of the soul break, losing my composure in the foxhole.
My main issue with Sean wasn’t even personal with him and I still hate the way I treated him. One of my biggest mistakes on a person to person level.
The only reason I pulled my sword out of my sheath with him is due to his partner who has history with General Mills and me essentially blaming that VP for allowing them to put Bioengineered Food Ingredients on almost every shelf in America. When you’re someone who attempts to be as holistic as I try to be daily, you see those guys who perpetuate individual destruction in society as an enemy. Whether you believe the tabloids / propaganda or you trust what the god gifted, well fruited earth, eating Whole Foods, is beyond this discussion. The point is . . . I was completely wrong about attacking Sean directly for any reason at all.
I can sit back today and admit that everything I did with the pop tart and Sean were wrong. I loved when Pop Tart followed me and we shot the shit, until he started calling me Toxic, which I’ll never forget.
I couldn’t see how right he was, till I blew my knee out from my attempted punts.
I have a lot of respect for Sean and his career, no matter who he associates with. He shows Grit and has great taste in design. He fought to be where he is and how he gets it done from a capital perspective is none of my business. It was simply something I did not agree with and it breaks my heart that I even got bloody with him at all.
Seeing him lose his father and seeing how much compassion he genuinely has for people, while I was teasing him directly, prior to his loss, has carried a burden on my shoulder since gaining the ability to have my clear minded thoughts returned.
Concluding thoughts . . .
Now that you know that I was on the anon play in 22’ but fucking it up from the jump, I can shed light on the cannons that helped me glow.
People like Hunter and Zara were two people that helped me keep the hinges on my boat. I shared too many personal details with
, in the darkness I was facing, much more than a man should burden another man with, but I had no one that I felt could understand me. Those two were pillars for me then, keeping a boat afloat.I grew up with no father, my mother was off the rails, and I was alone. A thousand miles from home. I couldn’t get a hug from my aunt, sister, any blood that I shared, I had to figure things out and hope my darkness wouldn’t also be my ultimate despair.
I’ve battled with thoughts of suicide for longer than I am comfortable admitting. A thought I’ve never acted on because I do not set out to do anything if I am not successful at it, or ultimately see myself achieving success with.
Few if any know how many times the thought has came and left. It’s the battle of complex thoughts and feeling like fitting in was never going to be an option for me.
Until I found CRE (commercial real estate) and realized this was a challenge that can take my full focus and distract me from negativity. I had to work really hard to resolve much of the negativity and it’s still an ongoing battle, whether you can ever let go of the darkness within duality is a thought that is shallow.
One can hope that reality ceases to exist more than belive that it’ll form to your vision of peace and renaissance on a global scale, with innovative growth. Now more than ever, I see it as a responsibility to move to fostering that than letting go…
For me, optimism has always been my escape from hell. Using weed, alcohol, or nicotine - any substance for that matter - as an escape from myself…was always the wrong thought process in the equation of making it out of my various jail cells.
This is why I end every blog the same way these days. Letting you know that I love you, because I do. If that’s all it takes to pull you from hell, then I’m satisfied. If you need more than that and your situation is so severe that I have to spend my last dime on a flight to hoist you from the bridge you’re hanging off, with a sincere hug, then I will.
No one deserves the darkness that leads to self inflicted death. I look at every result of that success as a loss of god’s light. A beautiful light that could’ve fought through, by any means necessary, to be a beacon of hope to save many who share those thoughts too.
As someone who has seen the destruction of such decisions ripple throughout community and family, my only hope is those thoughts never beat you.
Love you, Drool.